After the Revelation of an Affair During Couples Counseling

Oct 23

Give Your Emotions the Space They Need

After the revelation of an affair, most couples respond with intense emotions like rage, betrayal, devastation, and powerlessness. All of these emotions are natural and important, and they should be handled with care.

Most go through rapid cycles of rage and devastation, moving through everything in between, back and forth over many months. In the immediate aftermath, they often are tempted to make decisions in rage or devastation, either choosing to retaliate or choosing to give up. Because there are so many emotions and thoughts to process, it is best to let the cycles play out, to find a safe space to express rage and devastation, to allow the cycle to slow down, so thoughts and feelings can be better understood in their entirety.

Processing emotions requires both solitude and connection. You should secure a quiet and safe space to process your feelings (sleep, cry, rage) and reach out to people you trust for support. Often these go hand in hand practically too. Friends and family can help you find safe space to feel, and they can be there for you to help take care of your other needs.

Move Slowly

After revelation many couples experience strong impulses to make sweeping, life altering decisions. Although you might need some things urgently, I encourage you to slow down as much as you can. You may still need to make tough decisions quickly, but, if you are able to slow down, it may be worth the effort to give yourself more time to think and feel. The decisions, no matter what they end up being, will often benefit from the additional, careful planning.

In addition to decisions, partners in the aftermath of revelation are in a struggle for control. Control of the finances, the home, the children. If you can, consider slowing this struggle as well. If you are divorcing, who controls the finances and the home will ultimately be decided in a legal proceeding. If you are not divorcing, you may regret the power grab.

Contain Rage

Everyone reacts differently, but the most common reaction I see from the wounded partner is unfettered rage. Rage is a trauma response; it is a massive resource for the energy needed to survive. Although natural and important to express, rage must also be contained lest it do too much reciprocal damage. Your hurt is justified; your anger is just. But violence (verbal, emotional, physical) is never justified. Trauma needs rapid response, so partners must work together as quickly as possible to identify how to help each other.

Preserve Helpful Routines

Some changes are unavoidable, and you should prioritize your mental health. But if you can, preserve as many routines as possible. Routine will help you feel like your life is not completely falling apart, and it will encourage both of you to work together. Although the other person might be the last person you want to be around, couples often report that they gained respect observing the other’s emotional constraint and felt grateful for the routine.

Routine is especially important for children. If you have children, how you handle these next few days and weeks will determine how they experience any changes to come. If you are separating, we want to reduce the amount of time they have to suffer the anxiety of impending changes. It is best if they can experience a swift and orderly transition that is fully explained. This usually means that you should have all of the logistics already figured out and in place before telling them. Perceptive and sensitive children will inevitably sense that your relationship is strained, but maintaining their routine will limit reasons for fear.

Consider your co-parent relationship

For partners with kids it can be important to distinguish between your marriage and your co-parent partnership. While you may decide to end the marriage, you cannot stop being co-parents. Your children will definitely benefit from the effort you give to maintain your partnership. I also believe that you can personally benefit from the effort.

Consult Lawyers, Consider Mediation

If divorce is necessary and the best course of action, I encourage you to consider mediation rather than a legal battle. A divorce lawyer’s job is to make sure their client gets the most they can get out of any deal. A mediator’s job is to reach a fair and amicable resolution. Mediators are often lawyers; you can even each have your own lawyer and they mediate themselves. Sometimes you have to fight for what you need, and mediation can be a healthy fight if you are willing to compromise.

In spite of what a good lawyer might say, in my experience, the alternatives to mediation are suspect at best. I have witnessed many divorce/legal battles. I have even testified in court for a few. A contentious divorce is never good. It is always ugly for one or both parties, and it always prolongs the pain, prolongs the process, and costs way too much.

Consider Reconciliation — When You’re Ready

I know that the word “reconciliation” might conjure deep resentment. You do not need to pursue reconciliation; you may not be capable of it right now or ever. But, when the rage quiets and the hurt lessons and you feel you have the space, I encourage you to consider reconciliation. It is possible; it is not required. It will be hard, but it can be worth it if it’s the right thing for you. You need some time before making this decision, but make sure, at some point, you make the decision by fully considering it as an option. Grief can be easier after you exhaust every possible option for restoration.

Consider Ending the Affair

Particularly in the spirit of working on the marriage, ending the affair is one of the most pivotal steps toward reconciliation. How it is done is crucial. It is generally best to have a “good end,” one that is explicit, clear, and effective. The partner who engaged in the affair often needs time to end something that has been meaningful and important to them. It is good to consider how it can be done in a way that serves all parties involved.

Continuing Couples Counseling Even if the Focus is Changed

Because you were engaged in couples therapy as the affair was unknown, it can be natural to feel like therapy was a mistake. For many, vulnerability rewarded with betrayal proves that further vulnerability is ill-advised. Betrayal is one of the most painful feelings people feel, but revelation is often ultimately, after great struggle, helpful.

I strongly encourage couples counseling in the aftermath of revelation. Our focus might shift to helping your marriage end in divorce, but it can help you communicate, help you improve your co-parenting relationship, and help you divorce with reduced emotional (traumatic) fallout. For some, it can even help them heal, forgive, and renew their marriage. Counseling widens your options for a good outcome. I think choices are worth preserving.

If you do decide to continue working together in couples counseling, our focus and format will need to change. We typically attempt to immediately address the following:

Preservation of routine for children
Logistics of living arrangements
Communication expectations and methods
Individual emotional support sources
Individual versus couples therapy goals
Addressing immediate after effects of trauma
Containing rage and pain
What to do with the affair partner

The format of counseling will vary depending on need. Often couples are unable to sit in the same room together, unable to speak calmly or without rageful outbursts. Everyone is different, and we can make a plan that works for you. Typically we:

Meet individually and I serve as mediator for important issues
Use the three-way online portal messaging system for communications to limit unproductive communication
Regular or semi-regular couples meetings as needed (It is not uncommon for us to only meet individually for weeks before we meet as a couple)
We can make a plan to meet together as a couple in an intensive, 2-4 hours at a time, if neededRecommended Reading

Healing Together

This is a profoundly painful time, but it doesn’t have to define you. With guidance and care, this experience can become transformative rather than traumatic.

At Kinsey & Associates Counseling in Boston, we specialize in couples therapy after infidelity, individual counseling for betrayal trauma, and relationship repair for partners navigating affair recovery.

You don’t have to face this alone. Schedule a confidential consultation or explore more at www.leeekinsey.com.

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Lee Kinsey