Relationship Counseling for Infidelity Recovery
Infidelity is known by many names - cheating, betrayal, having an affair, unfaithfulness, adultery.
Those who have experienced it will often describe it as the most terrible pain they have ever encountered. Both partners are often rocked and irrevocably changed by the revelation of sexual activity outside of the relationship that is in violation of their relationship agreement.
We specialize in helping couples recover from all forms of infidelity, from the partner who had a double life full with a secret separate partner and children, to the serial philanderer, to the person who fell into a one night stand accidentally. These actions are not morally equivalent, but that is part of what we hope our clients understand about us - we are not moral judges; we are healers of betrayal trauma in all its forms.
How we work
We work with feelings of betrayal and turmoil
We do not judge what is and is not infidelity. We do not help by declaring someone a victim who must be healed and someone a perpetrator who must atone. We do, however, help couples navigate their own conversations about who is responsible for what and why and what to do about it.
Regardless of the severity, regardless of the behavior’s morality, regardless of how the behavior is perceived or not perceived, we work with the feelings of betrayal, to give them space to be addressed, and we address the turmoil that often follows revelation.
We work with relationships in crisis
Many couples in the aftermath of the revelation of an affair are in crisis. We respond as crisis counselors for the relationship, trying to hold things together enough to help them decide what to do next. We encourage that no one takes life altering action while we work to stabilize the situation.
We respond to the crisis with multiple optional and flexible tools - meeting multiple times a week, responding with extra appointments, replying to messages promptly (within a few hours), and helping all parties have a safe space to process difficult feelings that are often so intense other spaces cannot hold them.
We can meet with each partner individually and together, as we have multiple counselors on staff. We also offer family therapy in the event the children (minor or adult) are somehow involved.
We are equipped to respond to a variety of stories and needs for any relationship reeling from the crisis of infidelity. Call us and mention that you are in a relationship crisis; we will respond as soon as we are able, usually within 24-hours.
We work to restore the relationship
Every story of infidelity is different, and some relationships will not survive infidelity. Many couples who choose to break up will still be required to work together as co-parents. Our goal is to help keep the relationship intact, in some way, with grace and compassion.
In the event that infidelity leads to an end of the relationship, we help land the plane rather than watch it crash and burn. We believe that good ends are as important as any other part of the story, and we work to help relationships end with amicable terms.
Schedule a free, 15-minute, phone consultation to see if we’re the right fit for you.
How we can help
We help relationships navigate their options and decide what to do
In the aftermath of infidelity, there is often a moment of decision, a time where the relationship must work together to try to reach conclusions about what to do. We will not make this decision for them. But we will support a process of discussion and decision making wherein each partner decides for themselves. And we help to navigate and bridge the difference if there is one.
Any one partner is allowed to decide that they want a divorce. In the event that the partners disagree, we support the autonomy and rights of each individual person to choose their own path. We will never participate in a process of coercion or any kind of pressure to influence one person’s decision.
We will address mental health
In the event that one or more parties are suffering from mental health challenges either as a direct result of the infidelity or as a pre-existing issue, we will attempt to address it. We employ multiple, top rate counselors who are well trained and equipped to address a host of issues. If needed, our therapists can work as a collaborative team, and we make it easy for partners to address all of their issues under one roof.
We provide access to expertly moderated social support
In addition to our relationship and individual counseling services, we also offer an infidelity recovery group for all parties - one for the person betrayed, the other for the person who engaged in the extra-relationship behavior. Groups are optional, but they are an effective way to find social support during a time where talking to family and friends about what is happening might be overwhelming or impossible.
You are in control of the process
We have expertise and will recommend treatment steps. But you are in control of how and how quickly we proceed. We may recommend that you see someone individually in addition to your couples work, but you are not required to do anything you do not want to do, particularly if it feels overwhelming.
You will be able to withdraw from treatment, switch providers, or pause the process at any time. You will be able to push back, to disagree, to emote loudly and irreverently if needed. We will do our best to respond to your needs rather than to force a process that isn’t working.
What does the process look like?
Every story is different, and we respond to the unique needs of every relationship within their unique situation. We work with relationships in the direct aftermath of the revelation and couples who are distant from it revelation but still dealing with its after effects. However, all clients can expect a general protocol:
Stage 1 - Stabilization and Assessment
Stabilization. We often work with infidelity in the direct aftermath of its revelation. We meet as frequently as needed to secure the mental health and stability of those involved.
We work with local partners and refer as needed for psychiatric medications, housing assistance, and partial hospitalization programs.
We provide rapid response counseling and frequent sessions as needed. Often in the direct aftermath, couples may benefit from a safe space to confront the issues until stabilization has been achieved.
We provide individual and group counseling to help with stabilization if needed.
Assessment. Throughout the stabilization phase, we will assess individuals for mental health needs such as suicide risk, substance use, and relevant diagnoses. We will also assess the relationship - how is it doing, what does it need, why did this happen?
What happened?
What does it mean for the next few weeks?
What can we do to ensure the process of trauma recovery and relationship counseling can be successful in the long term?
Is individual counseling indicated for trauma recovery?
Understanding and Addressing Needs.
What do we need from the process of counseling? Once stabilization is achieved, the relationship may now better assess what they need from a longer term therapeutic process.
Set therapeutic goals
Set relationship goals
Consider needs for therapy - individual, group, couples, sex therapy, etc.
What do we need from each other? We help couples dialogue around their initial needs. For example, “I need you to stay at your mother’s place for a few weeks,” or “I need you to cut off communication with that person.”
We will not determine these needs for you, and we will not coerce anyone to comply with your needs.
We will support a process wherein partners can discuss their needs openly and freely in an effort to come to some amicable short term agreement.
Stage 2 - Reckoning and Repair
Reckoning. Typically, immediate steps are needed to address the deepest wounds and trauma reactions of the parties involved. It is not uncommon for there to be tremendous pain and suffering with few clear answers.
We facilitate trauma treatment, if needed, in both individual and relationship counseling contexts.
We facilitate conversations about and for the pain.
We help hold feelings of guilt and shame.
We help hold feelings of blame and defensiveness.
We uphold the humanity and dignity of all parties including their rights for grace.
Repair. As we become clearer about what the infidelity has done, we can put together a better picture of immediate next steps.
We discuss and implement immediate necessary changes for healing.
We discuss the roles of each partner in a repair process.
How much does the straying partner need to do to address and help the hurt?
How much does the hurt partner need in order to understand and repair?
We often do lots of roleplays here, helping the couple talk out their feelings in real time.
We rarely assign homework during this phase - other than some reading. Most of the work happens within the session.
Stage 3 - The Story
What is the story of the affair? We move into the initial relationship work phases of treatment where the therapist works to understand the infidelity. We will often work with one partner at a time during this phase as it allows each partner to speak freely from their point of view.
What is the story of the relationship? The therapist also works to understand patterns, roles, agreements, and needs of the relationship system itself.
We work from a systemic perspective, meaning we look for and address patterns of relating.
As Esther Perel says, “Sometimes the victim of the affair is not the victim of the relationship.” We work to understand the truth of the relationship is and is not working for each other’s best interests.
How is the relationship functioning? In this phase, we begin to experiment with different ways of relating.
How might the couple benefit from new patterns?
What are the intimacy patterns that will best fit this relationship’s needs?
We might ask you to try certain exercises or read certain books to help you better assess what your relationship needs.
Stage 4 - Relationship Recovery
What’s the new relationship going to be? Esther Perel discusses the need for a “new” relationship in the aftermath of betrayal. Often couples benefit from this idea and grow excited about the prospect of a new and better relationship.
Working through old pains
Establishing new roles and new rules
Practicing new ways of relating
Fostering new and better intimacy. Often the couple will need to feel more connected and more intimate than they did before the affair in order to feel like they have moved past it. This is not always the case, but we see this need enough to put it on our list.
Practicing new ways of connecting emotionally
Practicing new ways of communicating and conflicting
Renewing relationship agreements and/or vows (if desired)
Foster new and better sex. Often the final, final step, we encourage couples to address their sexual intimacy. We do not insist on this step, but we are sex therapists, so we are well equipped to help in this arena.
These stages rarely play out in a linear fashion. We will often circle back and/or skip ahead and then circle back again - up, down, and all around. We detail these stages so you have an idea of what to expect, but please know that we are in the mess with you and we will respond to your individual needs regardless of how or when they arise.
References
Healing from Infidelity, by Michele Weiner-Davis
After the Affair, by Janis Spring
How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, by Linda J. MacDonald
State of Affairs, by Esther Perel