The Wound I Can Author: A Meditation on Cutting as Refuge from Dissociation

Cutting as Authorship, Mythological Descent, and the Language of Rupture

Reader’s Note:

This essay is not an attempt to romanticize cutting. People often cut when they feel they are losing their grip on reality—when dissociation spreads, when sadness, shame, desire, or rage become uncontainable, when aloneness takes on a physical dimension. Cutting is rarely a chosen “solution” so much as a desperate attempt at relief: a brief moment of agency inside an internal chaos that feels otherwise ungovernable.

The deeper conflicts that bring someone to this point—the terror of dissociation, the pull toward and away from intimacy, the inability to metabolize overwhelming affect —are best addressed in psychodynamic or psychoanalytic treatment, where unconscious meanings, long acted out in isolation on the body, can slowly become thinkable and speakable. In other words: the overdetermined conflicts expressed through the cut can be shifted into language, and into relationship.

What I hope to offer here is not an explanation or justification, but an attempt to imagine the meaning of cutting before that meaning can be “known”. A symbolic vocabulary for the experience of rupturing oneself when the psyche cannot yet speak. Not a glorification of the wound, but an inquiry into what the wound may be asking for: contact, containment, witness. This is, in part, a meditation for clinicians—and for anyone trying to understand their own past—on how to hold the complexity of cutting with care. Because the act itself does not determine its trajectory. How the wound is received—whether with judgment, intrusion, avoidance, or presence—shapes whether it hardens into isolation or slowly opens toward relationship.

In time, what was once cut into the skin may begin to find its way into words—not for everyone, not all at once, but in the presence of someone who stays steady. Someone who listens without rushing to fix or interpret. Someone who receives only what the person is able to share and is patient with what remains unsaid.

This is not a path toward being “saved.” It is an invitation to step out of the solitary spiral of pain and into a space where connection becomes thinkable again. This essay does not offer clinical prescriptions. Instead, it attempts to evoke the emotional atmosphere out of which cutting emerges—and to imagine how that atmosphere might, eventually, allow for speech, relationship, and life.

I. The Labyrinth, the Cut, and the Refusal to Forget

There is a girl—silent, stubborn—who crawls into the underworld not to escape her pain but to give it form. In Pan’s Labyrinth, Ofelia does not avoid trauma; she descends into it. She walks its twisting passages. She answers its riddles. She attempts, desperately, to reclaim her right to meaning in a world that offers her none.

But Ofelia is not the first girl in our cultural imagination to be misunderstood on her way downward. Guillermo del Toro modeled her loosely on another figure: Ophelia, from Hamlet. Ophelia does not speak after she dies. She floats. It is easier to romanticize a dead girl than a mad one. A floating body offends no one; a silent woman can be mourned without ever being understood. But a living girl who speaks in fragments, who offers only broken symbols as her mind unravels—she evokes a terror most people cannot bear to face.

But what if Ophelia wasn’t trying to die?

What if she was trying to speak—to hand out flowers in place of language, to offer symbols (although the meaning became more and more convoluted) instead of sentences because words no longer worked? After trauma, the syntax of the world collapses. She drifts not only into water, but into broken metaphor. Into gesture. Into the last forms of expression still available to her. She becomes a haunting not because she is dead, but because no one stayed long enough to translate her.

And then, centuries later, another girl appears: Ofelia, now with an f, who also sees what others call impossible. She, too, is called mad. She, too, bleeds. But this time, someone follows her. A faun emerges—ambiguous, unsettling—who understands the language of symbol, who speaks in riddle, who does not flinch at the dark. If Shakespeare’s Ophelia becomes landscape—lost to the current—Del Toro’s Ofelia becomes threshold. She steps into the wound and names it.

These girls do not choose death.

They collapse into personal myth when reality fails them.

They offer broken flowers and half-formed riddles, hoping someone will understand.

If someone had been able to follow Ophelia—down the riverbank, into the ache—perhaps she could have lived. Perhaps she, too, could have returned.

This is what the cutter does, too.

She speaks in wound, in blood, in gesture—when language no longer works. This raw expression of pain terrifies those around her; it exposes a degree of isolation most people would rather not imagine. Like Ophelia handing out herbs and naming their meanings, the cutter offers a lexicon no one was ever taught to read. The line on the arm is not simply pain—it is a broken symbol. It says:

I am here.

I am not whole.

I am trying to say something I do not yet know how to say.

So too is the cut: not senseless, not random, but a desperate attempt to carve shape into an experience that the mind cannot yet symbolize. She refuses the tyranny of psychic silence.When the door to relational understanding feels sealed, one turns inward. That inward turn is frightening—full of monsters—and yet it contains the faint possibility of meaning, of orientation, even of hope.

In the underworld, Ofelia meets the faun, Pan—a figure who sees her without explaining her away. He does not rescue; he witnesses and guides. In this he stands in stark contrast to the adults above ground, who speak over her, betray her, or reduce her to a body to be controlled.

This is closer to the therapist’s role—not a mythic creature, but someone who can stay with the person in the dark without trying to drag them prematurely into the light. Someone who recognizes the proto-language of pain and helps translate it, slowly, into shared meaning. Not a savior. Not a judge. A companion with knowledge of the labyrinth.

The wound, like the labyrinth, becomes a site of possible transformation—not because it is inherently redemptive, but because it is approached with curiosity and care. Because someone is willing to tolerate years of pre-verbal expression—those long stretches when the only communication is withdrawal, or dissociation, or the sudden appearance of a fresh cut. And during those years, the therapist must bear a flood of countertransference feelings: the sense of being locked out, unable to reach the patient; fear, that the pain might escalate beyond what anyone can hold; confusion, when the meaning of the act slips just out of grasp; anger, when helplessness mutates into frustration; and grief, for the suffering that has no immediate relief.

These reactions are not signs of failure; they are the emotional realities of entering another’s labyrinth. To stay with someone through that terrain requires enduring these states without retaliating, retreating, or demanding premature coherence. It means understanding that the cut itself is the patient’s language—imperfect, frightening, but still a form of communication—long before it becomes articulate.

Only then can the therapist ask, with genuine openness: What is this wound expressing? What is it protecting? What is it remembering? And the wound, slowly, begins to answer—not through punishment or pathology, but through the possibility of relationship.

Ofelia’s journey ends in death—not because of her wound, but because the world above could not contain the complexity she carried around her father’s death and war. She is forced back into the realm where she attempted understanding.

Ofelia was not destroyed by her wound—but by a world that refused to bear witness to it.

That is the point worth stating plainly.

At the heart of cutting is a plea to be recognized. One writes their pain onto the skin so they no longer have to carry it in silence. The wound speaks what they cannot. It says:

I am here. I am real. Something has happened to me that I cannot yet speak, but I refuse to erase it.

Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott wrote that “it is a joy to be hidden, and a disaster not to be found.”

Cutting lives inside that paradox. To be hidden offers protection; to remain unseen becomes unbearable. The wound holds both wishes at once: do not force intrusion- the wound is too raw, but do not leave me alone in this.

II. The Silence Beneath the Skin

There is a silence that gathers beneath the act of cutting—not a void, but a silence swollen with meaning. A scream turned inward, a language too primitive for words. For many, this silence becomes unendurable long before the cut appears. Cutting is not the beginning of the crisis—it is the person’s attempt to survive it.

Trauma overwhelms the mind’s capacity to think, to symbolize, to make contact with another person. It breaches what Freud called the “protective skin” of the mind. In that state, feelings lose their edges; terror and numbness blend; the self drifts. This is dissociation not as spectacle but as disconnection—an internal fading.

Cutting interrupts that fading.

It anchors the person back into their body, into the moment, into life.

It creates a boundary where everything had become amorphous.

It transforms an unmanageable internal intensity into a single, concrete sensation.

Cutting, then, is not chaos. It is an attempt at order within chaos—a carving of meaning into flesh when the mind has become too fragmented to use words.

It is understandable. It is human. It is coping under conditions of extreme psychic strain.

III. Authorship of Pain

I have come to think of cutting as a form of authorship—not usually of self-destruction, but of self-preservation through expression. The body becomes the page and the razor becomes the pen. Trauma descends and creates rupture without consent, but the cut offers a place of chosen rupture.

In psychoanalytic terms, cutting becomes a symptom in the most humane sense: a compromise formation that allows the person to live another day with feelings they cannot yet speak.

It holds contradictory impulses at once:

● the longing for contact

● the fear of intrusion

● the wish to feel alive

● the wish to feel nothing

● the desire to express

● the desire to stay hidden

Cutting is not a rehearsal for death. More often, it is a rehearsal for bearing life in the only way currently available. It is the psyche’s attempt to create a controlled rupture where everything else feels uncontrolled.

It is the person saying, in the only language they have access to:

I am still here.

Something is happening inside me.

Let me live through this moment.

IV. If There Must Be a Rupture

Trauma tears through the internal world long before it appears on the skin. It ruptures meaning, fractures the self, opens an unbearable psychic abyss.

Cutting does not cause this rupture; it gives shape to one that already exists.

If there must be an opening—if something is tearing internally anyway—cutting allows the person to place that opening where they can see it, feel it, control it. A rupture chosen is often less terrifying than one that erupts unpredictably.

If there must be penetration—emotional, psychic, symbolic—many would rather it come by their own hand.

This is not masochism—at least not simply. I’m not discussing cutting here as a direct enactment of guilt or a cruel superego. Freud’s point about overdetermination matters: a person may begin cutting to escape dissociation, and then, because the act reliably alters inner states, it can become available for other pressures too—overwhelming anger that feels forbidden to express, corrosive shame, even the impulse to punish the self.

Cutting doesn’t prevent collapse, but it can interrupt it.

It slows the internal freefall long enough for the person to survive the moment.

V. The Wound Is No Accident

The wound is not random.

It emerges from a psychic landscape shaped by fear, longing, loneliness, and the urgent need to feel tethered to something real. The body responds with blood, swelling, repair—not metaphor, but biology insisting on continuity. The wound becomes a place where the body’s will to live becomes visible. Injury and healing collaborate.

In both shape and function, it mirrors what takes in and gives forth - a displaced mouth that cannot speak, that struggles to take in the good, caring nutrients it needs for survival (cutting and eating disorders often occur comorbidly). A displaced genital symbol, a place between inner and outer, pleasure and pain, connection and aloneness (cutting and harmful sexual behaviors often occur comorbidly). It tries to master the unbearable paradox of all of these things; of longing and violation, creation and destruction. It mirrors the deepest paradox of intimacy:

● the desire to be entered, known, touched

● and the terror of being overwhelmed, invaded, or controlled

This paradox cannot be resolved through cutting. It takes a gradual, slow exposure to a relationship that does not rush nor abandon, does not react out of terror nor out of a desire to smother.

But cutting allows it to be felt in a manageable form.

There is horror in unwanted intrusion, yes. But there is an even more suffocating horror in absolute isolation.

The cut holds both truths at once. It is a desperate, creative attempt to stay alive inside an impossible tension.

VI. Writing Pain Upon the Skin

Trauma often colonizes the body, turning it into unfamiliar terrain—numb in some places, hypersensitive in others. The body becomes both too much and not enough. Cutting can be a way to reclaim that terrain, to redraw its borders.

When a person cuts, they create a point of focus—a single, controllable sensation. The body that once felt foreign becomes momentarily responsive, predictable.

Pain (although most research suggests cutting is quite pleasurable for many cutters), paradoxically, becomes a way into the body rather than out of it.

Cutting condenses an entire storm of feeling—fear, shame, longing, dissociation—into one chosen line. One condenses all these internal conflicts into a single, visible stroke. One chooses where the rupture lives. One chooses its depth, its shape.

For a fleeting moment, coherence returns.

VII. The Quiet Wish to Be Seen

Beneath the longing for control lies another, more fragile wish: to be seen. Not exposed, notintruded upon—seen.

To have another trace the scar and understand that it is not madness, but a map. A roadmap of pain, yes—but also of endurance.

The wound extends an invitation that words cannot yet offer. It says:

Come close, but do not intrude.

Trace the scar, but do not penetrate it.

Stand with me at the edge of my loneliness—but stop before you overwhelm me.

This is the paradox for both the one who cuts and the one who dares to come close. The person fears judgment or abandonment—but also fears not being seen at all.

Too much pressure to speak feels like intrusion.

Too little acknowledgment feels like erasure.

And when someone does not recoil—when they stay steady, curious, unhurried—the very feelings the cut was meant to regulate may flood up: shame, longing, anger, grief. Presence can feel like penetration; the psyche withdraws reflexively.

But slowly, in the presence of a therapist who can tolerate these storms, the person begins to

feel what the wound has been expressing all along:

I want to be known without being overwhelmed.

I want to be accompanied without being controlled.

I want to exist in the mind of another without disappearing in the process.

And I want, slowly, to develop a mind that can bear itself—where feelings do not destroy, where

thoughts do not attack, where relationship becomes possible.

This is the foundation of relational life.

VIII. Danger and Hope

Cutting moves constantly between danger and hope.

Danger, because it can become a closed circuit of self-regulation in isolation. Hope, because it signals the psyche still wishes to feel, to regulate, to communicate, to stay alive.

Every cut carries both currents:

● the risk of collapse and the effort to prevent collapse

● the wish for solitude and the wish not to be alone

● the attempt to control pain and the longing to release it

● the need to disappear and the need to be found

Cutting is a form of emotional first aid—painful, imperfect, human. A way of piecing together a self not yet ready to speak but not ready to give up either.

Therapy does not seek to condemn the act or rush its disappearance, but to understand what the cut does for the person—what psychic function it serves—so that underlying needs may eventually find less costly expression.

When cutting is met with presence rather than panic, curiosity rather than control, the wound becomes less a private

IX. Toward a New Story

The cut has long been a private threshold—a doorframe into pain walked through alone. But what if it could become a shared crossing?

Not an invitation to invade or repair, but to witness. To stand beside. To translate the wound into meaning, and meaning into relationship.

The goal is not to make cutting disappear overnight. The hope is that one day the hands that carved the wound may reach outward—not to be filled, not to be invaded, but to be met.

To be met in their own tempo, in their own language. To be met as someone whose survival strategies made sense in the world they came from. To be met by someone who can help them imagine new ones.

This is the quiet, radical hope beneath all symptom work:

That what once had to be written in blood may one day be spoken. And what was once survived alone may, in time, be lived in relationship.